I have been trying to work through something over the past week and a half, or so. It is something that has bothered me for some time now and I am sure I have wrote about it before. But, God has really been talking to me about it. I guess it is time I get over it. I think God has had enough with being patient on this one. I am talking about my fear of opening my mouth and saying what I want or need to say.
Especially when it comes to talking about my love for God and what He has done in my life, praying out loud, or just sharing something I want or something I think needs to be said.
The Tuesday before last, I was working on my BSF lesson. I got to question two, and that started the ball rolling on starting to really focus on this issue in a constructive manner. We have reached the part in Exodus that talks about the construction of the tabernacle. Here is the question: What in the notes regarding the furnishings of the tabernacle was the most applicable to you, and how did it change your actions this week? (my answer) The Curtain. I feel like there is a curtain that is separating me from something God wants from me or wants me to do. I have such a nagging feeling that I need to break free from something. That there is something big and exciting waiting for me, but something is holding me back. It is keeping me from the Most Holy Place; I am stuck in the Holy Place. The death of this thing or things would open a way to what God wants to use me for. Is it just my thought life or more, or am I just bored and impatient with God's plan for my life and His timing. I want to do more for God. I want to take my passions in life and use them for God. I want to touch people's lives. I want to get my focus off of me and on to the life I think God has waiting for me. I want to let go of fears. I want to just let go. God help me to see how you want to see me change my actions this week.
I know, long answer. It wrapped around the edges of my lesson paper. Anyway, when I had finished I decided that I was going to share that answer with someone so they could pray for me that I could figure out what me fears were all about. I was going to email my Pastor. When I opened up my email there was a letter from a really good friend. Her first question was something like, How was BSF, I hope you were blessed in some way today. Something like that. That question prompted me to share with her instead.
The next day was our prayer meeting and bible study at church. We spent pretty much the whole hour in prayer that day. We prayed the Lord's Prayer broken into each section. I spent that whole hour fighting back tears. We reached the part where the Pastor asked us to stand. Then he asked if anyone needs to be prayed over, if they would just sit down. I wanted so bad to sit down. I could not make myself do it. I new that I would start to bawl. When I thought in my head what my concerns where they started to sound silly to me, so I thought others would think the same. I thought part of it was because my husband was sitting right next to me, what would he think. Then at another point in the prayer process, a church member prayed that people would have the courage to open there mouth and pray. It is always the same people that pray on Wednesdays and I am sure he felt frustration with that. It was like a kick in the stomach to me.
A couple of days later, that friend was gracious enough to give up some special time and spend time with me, over tea, to talk about that question. One of the things that she said to me, that just won't leave my head, was that she felt that the heart pounding feeling that I get when I am fighting with myself to open my mouth is actually the Holy Spirit and that I am crushing it. My heart sunk when she said that. It also made me more determined to get through this. The last thing I want to do is crush the Holy Spirit. I use to just think of it as a battle with myself and what I was feeling was anxiety attacks. Nothing I say or do effects just me though.
Since then, almost everything I hear or read has been shoving this issue in my face. Another friend told me something her husband shared with her. Basically she said, if when you share something with someone and you don't get that heart pounding feeling that it is not worth doing, because there is no passion behind it. That gave me a whole new perspective to think about. Because, really, I don't just get that heart pounding feeling when I don't allow myself to speak, but also on those rare occasions when I do muster up some courage to open my mouth. During lecture at BSF last Tuesday I started to think that fear is just another excuse. I am blaming not opening my mouth on fear, a fear that is probably not real. It didn't quite explain why it is so hard for me to do something that seems so simple. But, my thought was that maybe what I need to do is embrace that feeling. Maybe it is a feeling that is just letting me know that this is something that I am really passionate about. Today I was reminded, again, of something I read in "The Shack", that fear is just my imagination of what the future holds, and that it usually does not include God.
Last night was another Wednesday night service. I accepted the courage that God gave me and I shared with everyone there what I have been focusing on, even to the person that prayed a prayer that felt like a punch in the stomach; I needed to hear that. The whole time I was talking my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might explode, my face felt hot and I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't receive a "YEAH! you finally broke through that brick wall" feeling, but I have more peace today.
I was just reading over what I wrote, (checking for errors, I am sure I have still missed some) and something just jumped out at me. I wrote that "I ACCEPTED the courage..". I had a thought that maybe that is my problem, I am not allowing myself to fully accept the things that God is trying to give me. I obviously still have a somethings to think over. Just like everything else, I know that God will get me through this.
Have a blessed day!
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