Fear and Crutches

I have been trying to work through something over the past week and a half, or so. It is something that has bothered me for some time now and I am sure I have wrote about it before. But, God has really been talking to me about it. I guess it is time I get over it. I think God has had enough with being patient on this one. I am talking about my fear of opening my mouth and saying what I want or need to say.
Especially when it comes to talking about my love for God and what He has done in my life, praying out loud, or just sharing something I want or something I think needs to be said.

The Tuesday before last, I was working on my BSF lesson. I got to question two, and that started the ball rolling on starting to really focus on this issue in a constructive manner. We have reached the part in Exodus that talks about the construction of the tabernacle. Here is the question: What in the notes regarding the furnishings of the tabernacle was the most applicable to you, and how did it change your actions this week? (my answer) The Curtain. I feel like there is a curtain that is separating me from something God wants from me or wants me to do. I have such a nagging feeling that I need to break free from something. That there is something big and exciting waiting for me, but something is holding me back. It is keeping me from the Most Holy Place; I am stuck in the Holy Place. The death of this thing or things would open a way to what God wants to use me for. Is it just my thought life or more, or am I just bored and impatient with God's plan for my life and His timing. I want to do more for God. I want to take my passions in life and use them for God. I want to touch people's lives. I want to get my focus off of me and on to the life I think God has waiting for me. I want to let go of fears. I want to just let go. God help me to see how you want to see me change my actions this week.

I know, long answer. It wrapped around the edges of my lesson paper. Anyway, when I had finished I decided that I was going to share that answer with someone so they could pray for me that I could figure out what me fears were all about. I was going to email my Pastor. When I opened up my email there was a letter from a really good friend. Her first question was something like, How was BSF, I hope you were blessed in some way today. Something like that. That question prompted me to share with her instead.

The next day was our prayer meeting and bible study at church. We spent pretty much the whole hour in prayer that day. We prayed the Lord's Prayer broken into each section. I spent that whole hour fighting back tears. We reached the part where the Pastor asked us to stand. Then he asked if anyone needs to be prayed over, if they would just sit down. I wanted so bad to sit down. I could not make myself do it. I new that I would start to bawl. When I thought in my head what my concerns where they started to sound silly to me, so I thought others would think the same. I thought part of it was because my husband was sitting right next to me, what would he think. Then at another point in the prayer process, a church member prayed that people would have the courage to open there mouth and pray. It is always the same people that pray on Wednesdays and I am sure he felt frustration with that. It was like a kick in the stomach to me.

A couple of days later, that friend was gracious enough to give up some special time and spend time with me, over tea, to talk about that question. One of the things that she said to me, that just won't leave my head, was that she felt that the heart pounding feeling that I get when I am fighting with myself to open my mouth is actually the Holy Spirit and that I am crushing it. My heart sunk when she said that. It also made me more determined to get through this. The last thing I want to do is crush the Holy Spirit. I use to just think of it as a battle with myself and what I was feeling was anxiety attacks. Nothing I say or do effects just me though.

Since then, almost everything I hear or read has been shoving this issue in my face. Another friend told me something her husband shared with her. Basically she said, if when you share something with someone and you don't get that heart pounding feeling that it is not worth doing, because there is no passion behind it. That gave me a whole new perspective to think about. Because, really, I don't just get that heart pounding feeling when I don't allow myself to speak, but also on those rare occasions when I do muster up some courage to open my mouth. During lecture at BSF last Tuesday I started to think that fear is just another excuse. I am blaming not opening my mouth on fear, a fear that is probably not real. It didn't quite explain why it is so hard for me to do something that seems so simple. But, my thought was that maybe what I need to do is embrace that feeling. Maybe it is a feeling that is just letting me know that this is something that I am really passionate about. Today I was reminded, again, of something I read in "The Shack", that fear is just my imagination of what the future holds, and that it usually does not include God.

Last night was another Wednesday night service. I accepted the courage that God gave me and I shared with everyone there what I have been focusing on, even to the person that prayed a prayer that felt like a punch in the stomach; I needed to hear that. The whole time I was talking my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might explode, my face felt hot and I was shaking like a leaf. I didn't receive a "YEAH! you finally broke through that brick wall" feeling, but I have more peace today.

I was just reading over what I wrote, (checking for errors, I am sure I have still missed some) and something just jumped out at me. I wrote that "I ACCEPTED the courage..". I had a thought that maybe that is my problem, I am not allowing myself to fully accept the things that God is trying to give me. I obviously still have a somethings to think over. Just like everything else, I know that God will get me through this.

Have a blessed day!

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:3

I was working on a Bible lesson last week. It was from the BSF class that I am in. There are notes for us to read, and I came across a very interesting part, a part that really applied to me. Of course, it had to do with my song. We are studying Moses and in Exodus 15:1-21, it talks about how Moses and the Israelites sang a song to the lord. The lesson talked about the importance of a song glorifying God, and how Moses' song was so different from many of our Christian songs today that speak of our love and worship to God and our spiritual growth instead of God's love for us and what he does for us. That is what my song is all about, giving Jesus the glory and sharing with others what He has done in my life and what He will do in their lives. All you have to do is just invite Him in.

Speaking of my song. I am getting so very nervous and excited about it. I perform it on the 16th of November, I can't remember if I shared that already. It is my prayer that I will have the courage to just let go and let Jesus shine through me when I sing the song. I want to touch hearts with this song.

Well I have to rush off to get my girls from school. Talk to you again.
Have a Blessed Day!

Prayer answered instantly

This is just a small answered prayer but it still put a smile on my face and made me aware of God's presence.
I have really been trying to focus on God through every moment and circumstance of my day. I was on my way to the chiropractor this morning and I was listening to a CD. There is one song that I have recently been trying to learn, (the song is "Be the Center, I don't know off hand who sings it) and there was just one word that I could not figure out what the singer was saying. In an instant I thought to ask God to help me understand what that one word was. I played the song again and I could understand what the word was, clearly. It put a big smile on my face. I thanked Him right on the spot for showing me the word. It is those small things through the day that helps me to remember that He is always there listening, ready to help and guide us along our way. It is about just "being" in relationship with him.
By the way, the word was "vision", the line was "Jesus, be the vision. Be my path, be my guide, Jesus. I found it interesting that the word was "vision". That is really what I have been striving for, not just focusing on God but allowing Him to be my "vision" on how He would want me to handle a situation, what should I say or do, or not say or do. Jesus is the example that I need to follow.
I will share the words to the song with you. I know them by heart now. Again, the song is called either "Be the Center" or just "The Center", the CD is in my van. It is one of those WOW CDs. Anyway, here are the words.

Jesus, be the center.
Be my source, be my light, Jesus.
Jesus, be the center.
Be my hope, be my song, Jesus.
Be the fire in my heart.
Be the wind in these sails.
Be the reason that I live, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, be the vision.
Be my path, be my guide, Jesus.
Be the fire in my heart.
Be the wind in these sails.
Be the reason that I live, Jesus, Jesus.

There is more stuff that just repeats its self but that is the bulk of the song.
Anyway, have a blessed day. Let Jesus be you vision today.

This is an amazing video about God's love. It reminded me how He knows what I go through and he really does understand how I feel.

Life for me right now is all about just being in relationship with God and having a strong faith in Him, that he guides and He WILL provide; strength, peace, understanding, courage, whatever it is you need at the moment. You just have to let Him. We all need the trusting and accepting heart of a child.
Enjoy the video.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

I was just going over my small group lesson book and I came across an exercise from the first session that I wanted to share. I was going to share this before but I guess I just forgot to. The book we are doing is called "Created Beautiful". The exercise was to write a letter to yourself from God. The letter was to be about how much God loves every aspect of the body He created. I love to do these kinds of exercises. You know, the kind that make you really connect with God and listen to what He would say to you if you were face to face. It just really makes you think and examine yourself. So here is my letter from God.

Beautiful daughter,
I just wanted to write you this letter to help you understand that you are wonderfully made. Your physical appearance is very unique and special. You are just the way I imagined you would be. I only create what is pleasing to me. I made your physical appearance in a way that would and does please the man that I created to be your husband. Your physical appearance is not what I focus on, it is your inner beauty. You have a sincere desire to live your life for me. You have a very caring heart. You have such a strong determination to turn your life experiences into learning experiences, and that helps you to grow, and I have seen you change and grow a lot over the years. That is what makes you beautiful.
Your physical appearance is temporary and always changing, and as hard as you might try, your can't stop those changes. Your outer shell is just something people see. Your inner beauty, your spirit, that is what people feel, and what they feel affects what they see. Don't be so afraid to just let go, let the love I have for you shine through. Let people see Jesus in you heart. If you show them that then they will always see the beauty I see. Now remember people are people, some might not appreciate what they see, but they will see it.
Your Loving Designer,
God

To read it again just reminds me of the love that God has for me.

Life's ups and DOWNS.

Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since I have written anything. I have to tell you that I have been in kind of a slump the past month. I have been stressing about a lot of things. I think I have even been suffering from some mild anxiety attacks. I have just been seeing and feeling a lot of changes going on around me, and they have been changes that having been kind of bringing me down. I have gotten away from my prayer journal lately. I haven't stopped talking to God, I just haven't been spending enough quality time with Him. I have been spending more time focusing on the negative instead of God. I don't know, I think that maybe Satan is just working over time in my life. I have been trying to figure out where my place is in everything going on around me. There have been places where I feel helpless, places where I have just given up on, places where I just feel frustrated and confused. I feel like God has been just screaming at me to jump out of my comfort zone, to be bold, to stop hiding behind silly fears. I have tried to do that but either those fears and doubts take over and I clam up or opportunities that I thought were there turn out to not be the opportunity I thought they were. I know that this is a temporary slump.
I live because Jesus lives in me. He gives me the power, peace, strength and love I need. To be honest, I welcome the slumps. They, eventually, force me to really examine my life, think things through and they force my attention back on God. They are learning experience and they cause growth.
Have a Blessed Day!

God speaks

I have really been hearing God lately. It amazes me how creative He is in finding ways to speak to me. I am excited that I have learned how to not miss the moments when He talks to me. Like I said before, He has been talking to me about relationships. He has talked to me through a fiction book I just recently read, people in my life, and through my song that I wrote. I have been reminded of the importance of just "being" in relationship with God. I have been made aware of the fact that I have been placing a lot of time and energy in trying to get close to Him by pleasing Him. I have learned another important fact, that after you let Jesus into your heart you have to learn how to let Him go. What I mean by that is, I have been keeping Jesus all to myself, not letting Him out to shine, not sharing Him with others.

He brought this to my attention while I was practicing my song one day. I have always had a fear of talking to others about God and Jesus. I have never really understood what I was a afraid of. Why AM I afraid to share Jesus with others? I believe God shed some light on that while I was reading that book, by the way it is titled "The Shack". I have never had a fiction book talk to me so much. This might sound kind of weird, but while I read that book I wrote down like 6 pages worth of sentences from that book into a notebook, just things that really inspired me or talked to me in someway. Anyway, there was one part that talked about how fear is just our imagination of the future and rarely is God ever a part of it. That just got stuck in my head. I don't really know that I completely understand it yet. I think some of my imagination of the future is about a fear of disappointing God and people around me. Then there was another part of the book I believe God used to tell me something, and that was that God expects nothing of me and therefore can never be disappointed in me. I believe just like every other step that I have taken in my spiritual walk, letting go of Jesus is a learning process, too. I am determined to complete this lesson with flying colors. I believe that is part of what my song is about. The day I sing it in church is going to be an opportunity to really let Jesus shine through me. Mark reminded me that singing my song is a way to bless someone. That I need to just let go and bring emotion into my singing so that it might touch someone who is listening.

I have to go get pick up my kids from school. Talk to you soon.

Have a blessed day!

Times

Duh! I didn't realize I had to set the time zone. oops.

POSTED TIME

I noticed at the bottom of each of my posts it gives a time that it was posted. The times are completely off. I did not post the last blog at 3 in the morning, I was sound asleep in my bed. I don't understand why the times are off. Oh well, just thought it was weird.

CONFIDENCE

I practiced my song with Mark yesterday. He is giving me some very helpful tips on how to improve my singing. This is really a lot of fun and exciting. I am getting a crash course in singing. He is also determined to get me to put my emotions into this song. That is something that I have really been working on. I want to have the self-confidence to get up in front of people and show my emotions when I sing. I want people to feel my song and be touched by it. I really don't do well with expressing my emotions openly. The only time I cry openly is after I have bottled things up so much that I lose control.

I have worked really hard at overcoming things and putting them behind me. The one thing that I can't seem to get past is my lack of confidence in myself. I have been wondering and praying about how to get pass that. I think that is were this song fits in. I believe that is why God inspired me to write the words to a song that I would not be able to find a karaoke CD or sheet music to. Now, I am working with someone who has just as much passion as I do to make this song great. He keeps saying this is my song, but it is really half his, and I don't blame him for wanting to make this song great. He has a gift a bringing someones words to life.

I don't want to be afraid to shine for God. I truly love and appreciate what my Father has done for me. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice so that I can have an intimate relationship with God. It really bothers me that I allow fear to stop me from being completely comfortable with openly expressing my love and appreciation for God. The thing is, I am not really sure exactly what it is I am afraid of.

I was reading an article yesterday written by John C Maxwell. He spoke a little bit about legacy. He wrote, "People will summarize your life in one sentence - pick it now! Don't make your friends and family guess your life's purpose at your funeral. Start living today the legacy you want to leave. Life is short, History is long. It is up to you to spend your time on pursuits that will outlive you." That brought back the memory of a book I read a little while back. The title is, One Month to Live by Kerry & Chris Shook . One part of the book asked you to write your own obituary. It is an exercise to help you think about the legacy you want to leave behind. Here is what I wrote about my legacy...
She was a stay-at-home mom for many years then she became a Medical Transcriptionist. While working in the MT field, she pursued her new passion of becoming a sign language interpreter. Tammy and her family attended Dodge Park Church for many years, she called it her second home. It was her husband that helped her start her journey to Christ. She was an active member in her church, and she influenced a lot of people with the guidance of God. She touched the lives of may with her prayer shawl ministry, and she reached out and encouraged many women in need, and she will be missed.
At the time I wrote that I hadn't thought about the possibility of using my love for singing or writing to touch peoples lives. I was a dream in the back of my head, but I believed that was where it would stay. But you know what, anything can happen. My Pastor also gave me the idea of using that obituary as a goal statement. It hangs up on the wall next to the computer. So, I guess the sentence I would pick would be... "She worked really hard to reach people for God, and she wasn't afraid to be herself".
Have a Blessed Day!

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!

I know that I have not written anything in a while. Things have been so busy lately. I fear that things are only going to get worse. I have a lot on my calendar, some things are getting ready to just start up. They are all things that I love to do, well most of them. There is one thing I think I will end up giving up. I sometimes wonder if I should be giving some things up, it would be hard to chose. I just don't want things to become an item just to check off of my things-to-do list. I don't want my days to become so cluttered at the end of the day that I wonder where the day went or where was God today. I am seeing it happen now. This is where God's word FOCUS is still coming into play. The thing that stresses me the most is work. I have been studying for three years now to get a job in the Medical Transcription field, and I really do want and need to find a job. I have not worked since before my girls were born, I am scared. I have never had to juggle a job with a husband AND kids. I know that having a busy, fast-paced life is just the norm these days, but I truly want to make the most of each day and savor every second of them. I want to make sure that God stays a very important part of each day. My prayer is that I stay FOCUSED on the important stuff and that I can hear God's guidance on what activity to keep and which to ditch.

I wanted to share an update on the song I wrote. I have spent some time practicing it and I am feeling pretty comfortable with it. I have sang it in front and some family and one friend so far. I am going to sing it in front of Mark, the guy who wrote the music, today. I am getting one step closer to being able to sing it in my church and Mark's church. I am really anxious to share it with people, and I hope to bless someone with it.

Well, my girls' alarms are going off. That means I need to get them up for school.
Have a blessed day.

Genesis 29:17

The Bible that I try to read from everyday, in my office, is a T.D. Jakes Bible, KJV. I really like some of the things that he writes in there. Today I was reading Genesis 29, and he wrote a comment about verse 17 which reads... Leah's eyes were delicate, but Rachel was beautiful of form and appearance. Jakes' comment was about comparison. He wrote "He [God] never asks us to compare ourselves with any other person. In fact, it is a slap in God's face to look at someone else and say, "I wish I were like her."... None of us has the privilege of criticizing God. He is the Creator who looks at each of His created beings and says to Himself, "It is good.".... It is dangerous to give so much power to another person that their opinion determines your self-esteem..... God made you for His own purpose so that you might reflect a unique aspect of His glory....God wanted you to be you. Nobody else. You!"

Comparing myself to someone else and basing my own standards on them is something that I constantly did. I still catch myself doing it sometimes. It left me (and still tries to) feeling like I would never amount to much. I always felt intimidate and awkward, especially around other women. Those feelings will cause you to never try. They cause you to beat yourself up over the smallest things. I had such a desire to change, but I didn't want to change the right things for the right reason. I wanted to fit in, please people. I gave people the power to determine MY self-esteem with their opinions, actions or even just lack of. I gave them the power just by watching them and thinking I had to be just like them. I felt like I was always failing. I have a good friend that inspires me alot. I compared myself to her, and wanted to be like her. She still inspires me, being inspired is a good thing, but I don't want to be like her anymore. I want to be like me. What inspires me the most about her is her confidence to be herself. I want the confidence to be MYSELF.

I have learned to not dwell on the bad feelings of myself. I work hard at pushing those feelings out of my heard as quickly as possible. I try to instantly hit the delete button on those thoughts. I remind myself that I am the person God made me to be, and it really hurts Him when I don't think of myself the way He thinks of me. He loves me, and He is proud of me when all I do is try my best to live my life for Him.

Have a Blessed Day!

God's words

I was just writing a prayer letter to God. I was talking to Him about how I need to be more aware of Him throughout the day. I can be at the end of a day and realize the day has just past me by and I didn't really get much from it. God is working in my life every second of everyday, and I have missed what He has done for me that day. I focus more on the worldly things still rather than focusing more on God.
I use to hear people talk about how God has given them a word for the year, something to dwell on, to help them with their relationship with God. I never use to understand how people heard from God, how they new God has given them this word. Well, now I have been able to hear words from God. It is like my pastor said last night at bible study. You will start understanding God's words when you are filled with His Holy Spirit. When I became filled with the Spirit it gave me a new desire to set my life right. That took me a couple of years, and it was difficult for me, but once I was able to put things behind me and start to remove the barrier between me and God I was able to really start to hear from Him.
It started for me back in September. My word then was TRUST. God showed me that word in my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class. I needed to trust God more, to give Him control of my life. In May it was OPEN and HONEST. I needed and wanted to be more open and honest in my relationships. I want people to know the real me, and I want to be comfortable with who God has made me to be and to stop trying to be someone I am not. In July it was INTEGRITY. God spoke that word to me through my Pastor. That word came after a hard lesson in how to be open and honest in a loving way. It was a reminder that I need to be very careful what I say to people, and more importantly, how I say it. This month my word is FOCUS. I have really been trying to work on what I allow myself to focus on. I want to focus on God so much more than I do. I want to focus on the love and support that comes from Him. I catch myself allowing my thoughts to put myself in negative situations in order to feel loved and ,basically, pity from people; to feel important and special. I truly don't want that. I want to keep my focus on God so that when people look at me they see God shining through me.
I asked God while I was writing to Him this morning to inspire me to be able to write something in my blog today. He did so instantly. I actually stopped my letter to write this. Sorry God, for cutting my letter short.
Wow! I really need to work on writing a little faster, I have been working on this for over an hour. I need to go get ready, today is beach day!
Have a Blessed Day!

Thoughts on yesterday's sermon

Do I use the hard times in life as a way to plug into God? This was one of the questions asked by Pastor Tom. This is something I have recently been learning how to do. My initial reaction has always been to focus on the horrible thing that is going on at the moment, to allow it to completely ruin my day. To let it have control. I still do it. The difference now is that I do eventually see what God wants me to learn from the experience. I see that each experience changes me and strengthens me, and with each experience it does not take as long for me to reach out to God and lean on Him instead of just dwelling in the situation.

The Pastor also talked about how Jesus always heals the spiritual before the physical. I have experienced that through my time of depression. I have talked to people about my feelings, over and over. Talking helped me to sort things out. I took the medication, which I was not happy about but, it helped to calm my emotions enough so I could focus. What has really helped me through it is my developing relationship with God. It is during my quiet times with Him that things really sink in.

He also talked about the importance of alone time with God. This is, also, something I have been working on. Reading the bible for me was always a big struggle. I felt frustrated because I just didn't understand it. I have learned that God will show me what I need to learn from the Bible each time I read it. It is ok if I read a chapter and nothing jumps out at me. I may not have needed what that chapter was teaching that day, and it is ok because more importantly I had my special time with God through reading His word.

Prayer has been my biggest struggle. Part of that was a self-esteem issues. I could pray for others sometimes but not for myself. Now it is more of a struggle with staying focused. My mind loves to wander. So I have started to physically write God letters of prayer. I have to stay focus in order to write what I am thinking.

I don't always do these things everyday but, I have been doing them pretty regularly. I truly am a different person than I was when I first started to go to church, about five years ago. It is all because of my relationship with God, through his Son. Sometimes life can feel like a non-stop, uphill climb. It can make you feel like you just can't do anything right. God will get you through it, and He really does not allow you to go through more than you can handle. It is your choice on how you are going to get through it. Someone once told me that all of our struggles have a shelf life and that they will eventually expire.

Have a Blessed Day!

Answered prayer

I had a pretty exciting day yesterday, a prayer of mine was answered. A couple of months ago I wrote a song. I wrote my own lyrics to an exsisting song. My thought was to either find a karaoke CD of it or sheet music so I could sing my song at church. It turned out that I couldn't find the song anywhere. So then I decided to look into having someone compose some music for my lyrics. Well, God put Mark into my life, and thanks to his talents my song has come to life. I was able to hear what he had come up with yesterday, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was just so neat to hear my words put to music. What was even more amazing was that Mark was able to tell me what my song was about. He really understood my song and he took my song to heart, and that enabled him to come up with the right music for it. Now comes the process of getting my song put on CD, he has even offered to produce it with me singing. I can't wait to share it at church. This song is about my life, before and after Jesus became a part of my life. Sharing this song is a way for me to share what inviting Jesus into my life has done for me. Music is another way for me to express myself, other than writing words on paper (or typing them).

New Blogger

I have decided to enter into the world of blogging. This is a whole new experience for me. I like to put my thoughts down on paper, and sometimes I really want to share those thoughts with other people. I have a few people in my life that really inspire me, and I hope that maybe I will be able to do the same for someone else through sharing my thoughts on life and my relationship with God.