I had been counting the days when I could finally say BSF is done. I have decided that this will be my last year in the program. I need to be more focused on my church. We are trying to make some changes; trying to think more outside of the church building. We need to reach out to the community around us, build relationships, reach out to the hurting and lost; do the job God has called us to do, and in the process we are looking forward to watching our church grow in numbers as well as spiritually. I have been feeling very passionate about this. I don't want people to miss out on the family, love, and support that comes from being a part of a church. I want to be part of teaching and growing the children of our community. That has been the most rewarding part of teaching at BSF. I am continually amazed and thrilled when I see the spiritual, mental and physical growth that takes place in the children I teach; even in the smallest baby. BSF has a wonderful children's program, and I want to take what I have learned there and apply it to my church.
Today was the last day of teaching at BSF. I went in this morning ready to face this final day so that I can start this new journey that God has for me. Before morning prayers, my Children's Supervisor shared an email she received from a mom of a child in the program. That is when the tears started to roll down my face. During the prayers the tears started to come more steadily. Before going to the preclass prayer childcare room to pick up the kids for my class, I stopped in another room to grab a kleenex and just broke down. I was really surprised by display of emotions. I had no idea just minutes ago that I was sad about this day, and second, I am not one to cry like that around other people. I am usually pretty good about holding it in. I had to take a couple of minutes to pull myself together before I could enter my classroom. Someone asked me if I was changing my mind about quitting and the answer to that is no. I truly believe that this is the plan God has for me right now. I am going to miss these children and the other leaders, and most of all I am going to miss teaching. We don't have little children in our church right now. We get the occasional visitors, and I have to admit that my heart has not been in teaching them. There is no set routine, no program in place, no time to really build a relationship with them. It usually ends up just being a time of babysitting. It is scarry to think that it could possibly be a while before I get to have a classroom again; before I get the priviage of watching a child grow, and before I can once again here the stories of how a child is really getting it and knowing that I had a part in that.
Music, children and sign language, those are the things in life that I am passionate about. God, help me to be patient as I wait on your plan for these things in my life. Prepare me for the work you have for me to do.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
1 Peter 5:8-11
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I wrote the other day about a dream I had, then yesterday I decided to look up the lion in the bible and came across this verse. God talks to us in many different ways and I truly believe that he talked to me in this dream. This verse totally confirmed it. He was showing me in my dream that I do have the power to be self-controlled and alert. I can resist him and stand firm in my faith. I did that my not being afraid in my dream. I watched as he flew in and out of the room and I continued to tell him to leave me alone. God showed me that He has given me the power to defeat the attack of the enemy when I closed my had around that lion's nose, stopped his roaring, looked him straight in the eyes and told him "in the name of Jesus, leave me alone."
God showed me that I am really not alone in this, even though it sometimes feels like that, when in my dream I warned the other person to "watch out, here he comes again."
And God will restore me from this little bout of depression (attack of the enemy), he always does. I believe that I am finally reaching a place in my faith that I can remember to turn to that promise instead of wallowing in the defeated, depressive state that the devil tries to keep me in.
Thinking of that dream and reading those verses puts a renewed hope, passion and excitement in me.
Thank you, God, for always being there for me.
I wrote the other day about a dream I had, then yesterday I decided to look up the lion in the bible and came across this verse. God talks to us in many different ways and I truly believe that he talked to me in this dream. This verse totally confirmed it. He was showing me in my dream that I do have the power to be self-controlled and alert. I can resist him and stand firm in my faith. I did that my not being afraid in my dream. I watched as he flew in and out of the room and I continued to tell him to leave me alone. God showed me that He has given me the power to defeat the attack of the enemy when I closed my had around that lion's nose, stopped his roaring, looked him straight in the eyes and told him "in the name of Jesus, leave me alone."
God showed me that I am really not alone in this, even though it sometimes feels like that, when in my dream I warned the other person to "watch out, here he comes again."
And God will restore me from this little bout of depression (attack of the enemy), he always does. I believe that I am finally reaching a place in my faith that I can remember to turn to that promise instead of wallowing in the defeated, depressive state that the devil tries to keep me in.
Thinking of that dream and reading those verses puts a renewed hope, passion and excitement in me.
Thank you, God, for always being there for me.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Into Me See By: Tammy Lochridge
Lost, hurting, afraid and alone,
Someone please, into me see:
Love me just the way I am.
Your Spirit comes and fills my soul,
Deep into me sees;
Loves me just the way I am.
God's love flows through to others I meet,
Their hearts cry, into me see;
Love me just the way I am.
Individual relationships with the same Father in Heaven.
A Solitary dance shared in His presence.
No criteria, no pretending, just love me as I am intimacy.
Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another's, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. God has really been talking to me about the importance of intimacy in all relationships, and it starts with Him. He heard my cry, called me friend, loved me instantly and filled a void in my life. He has allowed me to experience the intimacy I craved and never remember receiving growing up. And with great patience and love He is teaching my how to have intimacy in all of my relationships. He is worthy of my intimate, unashamed love.
I read that in church last Sunday. It was my turn to lead worship and I needed something to say. God really has been talking to me about intimacey and I wanted to share about that. So I wrote that poem just so I could share it on Sunday. But, the intimacy theme has really stuck with me throughout the week. So I want to get back into writing in my blog to share my intimate experiences.
The first time I really became aware of intimacy in relationships this week started on Wednesday night. I had been feeling myself slip back into depression. I had been waking up for a couple of weeks feeling sad. I really don't like feeling sad the moment I wake up. It really started to hit me on Sunday night. My evening did not go as I had planned and it put me in a very negative mood, and the mood carried over into Monday. For a couple of days I wanted to vent to someone, ask for prayer, just reach out. I almost did a couple of times, but you know me, I just don't want to burden anyone with my silly little problems. I just want to avoid intimacy.
Well Wednesday night was a night of prayer at our church. And wouldn't you know it, the theme of the night was resting in God (this involves intimacy). The whole evening was God designed. As I entered the sanctuary I actually thought about how I wanted my good friend to sit next to me, and wouldn't you know it she did. It was perfect; I had my husband on one side and her on the other.
Part way through the evening Pastor put a chair in the center of the room inviting people to come sit in the chair so he could annoint them and the rest of us could pray for them. Well I was the first one in the chair. I explained that I have been in a funk. I have just been feeling sad, frustrated, angry and the fear of death that I experienced years ago had returned. The thought of death would pop into my mind and my heart would stop, I stop breathing for a moment and my insides just freeze up. The fear literally consumes me. It felt so good having all those people who love me, and who I love dearly, surround me and pray for me. I also had the opportunity to pray for and with others that night. It was a very intimate evening; with everyone there and with God.
Pastor shared a devotional with us that I just loved:
So for us, made (and in Christ remade) in God's image, there remains a rest. In its essence, rest is more than leisure or napping or "time on our hands". God's rest for us involves FREEDOM - to trust, to live out his dream for us, to work, create, play, let go and move on.
The rest God offers is the FREEDOM to be fully present in the moment, free to reflect and enjoy what has been; to let go of the deficits and regrets that wear us down; free to envision what will be, what we are being re-created for; free to unburden ourselves of regretful thoughts about our yesterdays and anxious thoughts about our tomorrows. (The Attentive Life, Leighton Ford, p.178)
As I shared about what I was calling depression, Pastor used the term attack of the enemy. I never think of that. When I am in those moods it is all about this stupid depression I have that I can't seem to control. I beat myself up and allow it to consume me. I realize that is because that is just how the devil wants it. He does not want me to think about standing up against him. He wants intimacy with me and that is exactlly what he gets when I let myself get lost in those moments.
I tend to have dreams that relate with what I am going through. I believe that my dreams tell me alot about myself. I believe that God speaks to me through my dreams. My dreams about my depression (battle with the enemy) usually are very similar. I am usually trying to run away from some dark, shadowy, evil creature. It seems no matter where I go it is there. At times I will work up the courage to stand my ground and fight the creature, and I will defeat the creature long enough to run some more and put some space between us, but it usually finds me again. Well I had a dream last night and it was kind of the same kind of dream but different. I remember that I was in bed. There was someone else in the bed with me, I don't know who. There was this lion, a cartoon-looking lion, that would fly into the room through a closed window, fly over the bed and then fly out through the wall. The lion was not scary looking but I knew it was evil, and I was actually not afraid just more annoyed, I guess. I kept yelling at the thing telling it to leave me alone. When I would see it through the window, making it's way back into the room, I would tell the person next to me to watch out cause here it comes again. At one point it came right up to my face, and I wrapped my hands around his nose, holding its mouth shut so it could not roar at me, and I looked it in the eyes and told it to go away. I told it to go away in the name of Jesus. I have never said the name of Jesus in my dreams before. That was a very encouraging dream.
I was given the opportunity to have an intimate conversation with a friend yesterday. She opened up to me about her battle with depression. I was completely unaware that she was dealing with this issue. Another God designed day; how the conversation started. I shared with her my understanding because of my experience with it. She was just as surprised that this was something I battled with. I believe that our relationship changed because we allowed ourselves to be intimate with each other and share the real us with each other.
I don't know why we try so hard to hide from each other. We are all the same - our issues may be different but we all have them. And it really does feel good when you let someone see the real you and you don't have to work so hard anymore to be so different for so many different people. We all just really want people to "into me see; love me just the way I am.
Someone please, into me see:
Love me just the way I am.
Your Spirit comes and fills my soul,
Deep into me sees;
Loves me just the way I am.
God's love flows through to others I meet,
Their hearts cry, into me see;
Love me just the way I am.
Individual relationships with the same Father in Heaven.
A Solitary dance shared in His presence.
No criteria, no pretending, just love me as I am intimacy.
Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another's, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. God has really been talking to me about the importance of intimacy in all relationships, and it starts with Him. He heard my cry, called me friend, loved me instantly and filled a void in my life. He has allowed me to experience the intimacy I craved and never remember receiving growing up. And with great patience and love He is teaching my how to have intimacy in all of my relationships. He is worthy of my intimate, unashamed love.
I read that in church last Sunday. It was my turn to lead worship and I needed something to say. God really has been talking to me about intimacey and I wanted to share about that. So I wrote that poem just so I could share it on Sunday. But, the intimacy theme has really stuck with me throughout the week. So I want to get back into writing in my blog to share my intimate experiences.
The first time I really became aware of intimacy in relationships this week started on Wednesday night. I had been feeling myself slip back into depression. I had been waking up for a couple of weeks feeling sad. I really don't like feeling sad the moment I wake up. It really started to hit me on Sunday night. My evening did not go as I had planned and it put me in a very negative mood, and the mood carried over into Monday. For a couple of days I wanted to vent to someone, ask for prayer, just reach out. I almost did a couple of times, but you know me, I just don't want to burden anyone with my silly little problems. I just want to avoid intimacy.
Well Wednesday night was a night of prayer at our church. And wouldn't you know it, the theme of the night was resting in God (this involves intimacy). The whole evening was God designed. As I entered the sanctuary I actually thought about how I wanted my good friend to sit next to me, and wouldn't you know it she did. It was perfect; I had my husband on one side and her on the other.
Part way through the evening Pastor put a chair in the center of the room inviting people to come sit in the chair so he could annoint them and the rest of us could pray for them. Well I was the first one in the chair. I explained that I have been in a funk. I have just been feeling sad, frustrated, angry and the fear of death that I experienced years ago had returned. The thought of death would pop into my mind and my heart would stop, I stop breathing for a moment and my insides just freeze up. The fear literally consumes me. It felt so good having all those people who love me, and who I love dearly, surround me and pray for me. I also had the opportunity to pray for and with others that night. It was a very intimate evening; with everyone there and with God.
Pastor shared a devotional with us that I just loved:
So for us, made (and in Christ remade) in God's image, there remains a rest. In its essence, rest is more than leisure or napping or "time on our hands". God's rest for us involves FREEDOM - to trust, to live out his dream for us, to work, create, play, let go and move on.
The rest God offers is the FREEDOM to be fully present in the moment, free to reflect and enjoy what has been; to let go of the deficits and regrets that wear us down; free to envision what will be, what we are being re-created for; free to unburden ourselves of regretful thoughts about our yesterdays and anxious thoughts about our tomorrows. (The Attentive Life, Leighton Ford, p.178)
As I shared about what I was calling depression, Pastor used the term attack of the enemy. I never think of that. When I am in those moods it is all about this stupid depression I have that I can't seem to control. I beat myself up and allow it to consume me. I realize that is because that is just how the devil wants it. He does not want me to think about standing up against him. He wants intimacy with me and that is exactlly what he gets when I let myself get lost in those moments.
I tend to have dreams that relate with what I am going through. I believe that my dreams tell me alot about myself. I believe that God speaks to me through my dreams. My dreams about my depression (battle with the enemy) usually are very similar. I am usually trying to run away from some dark, shadowy, evil creature. It seems no matter where I go it is there. At times I will work up the courage to stand my ground and fight the creature, and I will defeat the creature long enough to run some more and put some space between us, but it usually finds me again. Well I had a dream last night and it was kind of the same kind of dream but different. I remember that I was in bed. There was someone else in the bed with me, I don't know who. There was this lion, a cartoon-looking lion, that would fly into the room through a closed window, fly over the bed and then fly out through the wall. The lion was not scary looking but I knew it was evil, and I was actually not afraid just more annoyed, I guess. I kept yelling at the thing telling it to leave me alone. When I would see it through the window, making it's way back into the room, I would tell the person next to me to watch out cause here it comes again. At one point it came right up to my face, and I wrapped my hands around his nose, holding its mouth shut so it could not roar at me, and I looked it in the eyes and told it to go away. I told it to go away in the name of Jesus. I have never said the name of Jesus in my dreams before. That was a very encouraging dream.
I was given the opportunity to have an intimate conversation with a friend yesterday. She opened up to me about her battle with depression. I was completely unaware that she was dealing with this issue. Another God designed day; how the conversation started. I shared with her my understanding because of my experience with it. She was just as surprised that this was something I battled with. I believe that our relationship changed because we allowed ourselves to be intimate with each other and share the real us with each other.
I don't know why we try so hard to hide from each other. We are all the same - our issues may be different but we all have them. And it really does feel good when you let someone see the real you and you don't have to work so hard anymore to be so different for so many different people. We all just really want people to "into me see; love me just the way I am.
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