Lost, hurting, afraid and alone,
Someone please, into me see:
Love me just the way I am.
Your Spirit comes and fills my soul,
Deep into me sees;
Loves me just the way I am.
God's love flows through to others I meet,
Their hearts cry, into me see;
Love me just the way I am.
Individual relationships with the same Father in Heaven.
A Solitary dance shared in His presence.
No criteria, no pretending, just love me as I am intimacy.
Being intimate involves the mixing of our life with another's, a mingling of souls, a sharing of hearts. God has really been talking to me about the importance of intimacy in all relationships, and it starts with Him. He heard my cry, called me friend, loved me instantly and filled a void in my life. He has allowed me to experience the intimacy I craved and never remember receiving growing up. And with great patience and love He is teaching my how to have intimacy in all of my relationships. He is worthy of my intimate, unashamed love.
I read that in church last Sunday. It was my turn to lead worship and I needed something to say. God really has been talking to me about intimacey and I wanted to share about that. So I wrote that poem just so I could share it on Sunday. But, the intimacy theme has really stuck with me throughout the week. So I want to get back into writing in my blog to share my intimate experiences.
The first time I really became aware of intimacy in relationships this week started on Wednesday night. I had been feeling myself slip back into depression. I had been waking up for a couple of weeks feeling sad. I really don't like feeling sad the moment I wake up. It really started to hit me on Sunday night. My evening did not go as I had planned and it put me in a very negative mood, and the mood carried over into Monday. For a couple of days I wanted to vent to someone, ask for prayer, just reach out. I almost did a couple of times, but you know me, I just don't want to burden anyone with my silly little problems. I just want to avoid intimacy.
Well Wednesday night was a night of prayer at our church. And wouldn't you know it, the theme of the night was resting in God (this involves intimacy). The whole evening was God designed. As I entered the sanctuary I actually thought about how I wanted my good friend to sit next to me, and wouldn't you know it she did. It was perfect; I had my husband on one side and her on the other.
Part way through the evening Pastor put a chair in the center of the room inviting people to come sit in the chair so he could annoint them and the rest of us could pray for them. Well I was the first one in the chair. I explained that I have been in a funk. I have just been feeling sad, frustrated, angry and the fear of death that I experienced years ago had returned. The thought of death would pop into my mind and my heart would stop, I stop breathing for a moment and my insides just freeze up. The fear literally consumes me. It felt so good having all those people who love me, and who I love dearly, surround me and pray for me. I also had the opportunity to pray for and with others that night. It was a very intimate evening; with everyone there and with God.
Pastor shared a devotional with us that I just loved:
So for us, made (and in Christ remade) in God's image, there remains a rest. In its essence, rest is more than leisure or napping or "time on our hands". God's rest for us involves FREEDOM - to trust, to live out his dream for us, to work, create, play, let go and move on.
The rest God offers is the FREEDOM to be fully present in the moment, free to reflect and enjoy what has been; to let go of the deficits and regrets that wear us down; free to envision what will be, what we are being re-created for; free to unburden ourselves of regretful thoughts about our yesterdays and anxious thoughts about our tomorrows. (The Attentive Life, Leighton Ford, p.178)
As I shared about what I was calling depression, Pastor used the term attack of the enemy. I never think of that. When I am in those moods it is all about this stupid depression I have that I can't seem to control. I beat myself up and allow it to consume me. I realize that is because that is just how the devil wants it. He does not want me to think about standing up against him. He wants intimacy with me and that is exactlly what he gets when I let myself get lost in those moments.
I tend to have dreams that relate with what I am going through. I believe that my dreams tell me alot about myself. I believe that God speaks to me through my dreams. My dreams about my depression (battle with the enemy) usually are very similar. I am usually trying to run away from some dark, shadowy, evil creature. It seems no matter where I go it is there. At times I will work up the courage to stand my ground and fight the creature, and I will defeat the creature long enough to run some more and put some space between us, but it usually finds me again. Well I had a dream last night and it was kind of the same kind of dream but different. I remember that I was in bed. There was someone else in the bed with me, I don't know who. There was this lion, a cartoon-looking lion, that would fly into the room through a closed window, fly over the bed and then fly out through the wall. The lion was not scary looking but I knew it was evil, and I was actually not afraid just more annoyed, I guess. I kept yelling at the thing telling it to leave me alone. When I would see it through the window, making it's way back into the room, I would tell the person next to me to watch out cause here it comes again. At one point it came right up to my face, and I wrapped my hands around his nose, holding its mouth shut so it could not roar at me, and I looked it in the eyes and told it to go away. I told it to go away in the name of Jesus. I have never said the name of Jesus in my dreams before. That was a very encouraging dream.
I was given the opportunity to have an intimate conversation with a friend yesterday. She opened up to me about her battle with depression. I was completely unaware that she was dealing with this issue. Another God designed day; how the conversation started. I shared with her my understanding because of my experience with it. She was just as surprised that this was something I battled with. I believe that our relationship changed because we allowed ourselves to be intimate with each other and share the real us with each other.
I don't know why we try so hard to hide from each other. We are all the same - our issues may be different but we all have them. And it really does feel good when you let someone see the real you and you don't have to work so hard anymore to be so different for so many different people. We all just really want people to "into me see; love me just the way I am.
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