Turning Point

I believe I have entered a new season in my life. It's going to be a season of learning more about the Holy Spirit, and maybe even more about myself. I had started to study through a book that my Pastor had given me over the summer. I got about half way through that book when the unofficial start of autumn began; the busy season for me. So the book got put down and set off to the side. God has made sure that my study of the Holy Spirit was not forgotten about. BSF has started up and we are studying the book of Acts this year, and we will be learning a lot about the Holy Spirit. I also intend to pick that other book back up again.

Surrendering to the Holy Spirit; this is an area that I really have trouble with. I use to always think it was God or Jesus that I could not fully commit to or trust; I don't think that is really true anymore. I have accepted God and I have invited his Son into my life. I believe in them and love them. I think my fear and lack of trust is with the Holy Spirit because this is where God gives me everything I need. The Spirit is the one who guides me, convicts me, teaches me, reveals things to me, comforts me, counsels me, the one I need to depend on. Instead I doubt, I reason, I question, I try to hide, I seek reassuance and direction in several places trying to find satisfaction and answers, I depend on my emotions.

I had a major meltdown a week ago. I honestly do not remember ever crying as hard for so long as I did that night; a good solid three hours of what I believe now to be mourning. By the time I was able to control myself enough to get some sleep (at three in the morning) I felt like my head was going to explode and like I could toss my cookies at any moment.

I have said this to myself many, many, many times since becoming a Christian; I am selfish. I think that night I finally came to terms with it. I don't mean to say that in a way just to put myself down. For those who know me know that I am good for doing that. I believe that there is still some kind of healing that still needs to take place in me. There are emotions in me that I just still don't understand. The Holy Spirit is the one that can reveal these things to me. I pray for victory over my depression a lot. It is easy to go to someone for words of encouragement and to seek there advice. But, people are people, they can try as hard as they can but only God knows everything about me and only his Holy Spirit can really help, and I know this. Fear and doubt is what keeps me from victory.

I know longer want to be a burden I want to be an encourager. I no longer want to be selfish I want to be selfless. I feel like my recent meltdown was me saying good bye to the things that have been so comfortable and hard to let go. I hope and pray that this is another turning point in my life. The people around me are so affected by the choices I do or don't make, the words I do or don't say, the thoughts I think. It hurts me so much to think about the way I have made some people in my life feel.

God, I have prayed this before and I will continue to pray this as long as it takes. Fill me anew with your Spirit. I want victory. As scary as this is for me to say, God, I am ready to move forward. I am willing to work hard. I am willing to let go. I want people to see your awesome light shine through me when they look at me. I want them to see the person you have intended me to be. I don't want to play the victim anymore. I want to be the strong, confident, mighty warrior you see in me. I want to use everything you have given, joys and sorrows, and use them to reach others for you. I love you and thank you for your patient, uncoditional love. In Jesus' name, Amen.