Learning to Lean on God

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..." John 10:10. Satan comes to steal our joy. He wants us to fail, he wants us to quit.

..."I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10. God wants us to have joy!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his might power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:10-11. God wants us to have victory; more than we do.

Some day I am going to learn to trust in God completely. Someday I am going to overcome the fear of the different and unknown.

It has been a rough week. Sleep was a great desire but a distant dream. You learn just how important sleep is when you can't find enough of it. Emotions were high,  the body was weak, rational thinking lost. Satan had the perfect conditions to weasel his way in and do his job; steal my joy. And I let him. I quit praying my prayer challenge prayer, I quit looking for God's precious gifts, I ignored God's truths and focused on and believed in Satan's lies. I wallowed in that depressive state that I hate so much because it has a comfortable familiarity to it; it just seems the easier route. I desired pity, craved encouragement from others, but, like always, I feared being a burden, so I worked hard at trying to avoid people. I withdrew and felt bitter about it. I felt guilt and shame because of my weak behavior.

I finally reached a point on Monday where I desired some time away from the drama; I wanted to spend some time with God. I gathered up my bible and journal and I walked into our quiet, empty church, went straight to the sanctuary and spent 2 solid hours with God. At first I just did some venting and crying. I expressed my angers, doubts, fears and frustrations. I did some apologizing and then I started to ask questions. What I wrote in my Journal: "Why do I doubt you? Why so much fear and lack of trust? I do believe you're there - deep down, I do. I have felt you. I have felt you work in my life. You have made changes in me. So why is my heart weak? Why does it take so little to pull me down? Is it the scars on my heart or is that just an excuse? Why do I fight you and push you away? What am I so afraid of? What!? Why is there so much need in me? Why do I feel like you can't fill it?"

Then I heard, "Open your Bible." So I did.

Psalm 119:62; "...at midnight I rise to give you thanks.

Eucharisteo. Gift list. It was working. Each gift lifted my spirit. Then I quit. I quit seeking "your face with all my heart" (v58). I quit on you even though you don't quit on me. I commit suicide.

I use to think of the word suicide as only meaning the taking of one's own life. But I learned while listening to my pastor's sermon on Sunday that suicide can have another meaning, too. The definition in Dictionary.com that does not apply to physical death is; Destruction of one's own interests or prospects. Prospects: The outlook for the future. Anticipation, expectation; a looking forward. A mental view or survey, as of a subject or situation.

When I stop looking for Jesus, when I quit trusting and leaning on him, I am committing suicide. Jesus is life; eternal life. The opposite of Jesus is death; spiritual, emotional, and physical death.

Verses 77, 80, 92; "Let your compassion come to me that I may live. ...that I may not be put to shame. If your law had not been my delight I would have perished in my affliction."

Hope = I might not see it or feel it sometimes but I hold on to it.

Verse 109; Though I constantly take my life in my hands, (suicide) I will not forget your law. (Hope)

Verse 116; Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.

Verses 133-136; Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees. Streams of tears flow from my eyes, for your law is not obeyed.

Verses 175-176; Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten you commands.

Prayers, hope, encouragement, direction; a couple of hours spent with God, and a bit of time talking to my pastor put me in a better place. Those things always work for me. The problem is that I don't obey. I don't apply. I get the good, I-am-loved-and-cared-about feeling and I try to hold on to that. I try to find my peace and joy in that; what feels good. But then morning came; still sleep deprived and not leaning on God I become weak again. Emotions run high, the body becomes weak, rational thinking is lost, and the conditions become perfect for Satan, again. This time I let loose in a temper tantrum; shoe smacks wall a few times, ugly words fly in a loud tone. Then bitterness, guilt, hopelessness, desires for pity; they all return.

Today I am feel more rested; sleep was more than a dream. I'm thinking more clearly, plus things are a back to normal around here. I have learned this week some things that I still need to work on to be a healthier me.

"Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for everyone to see, It's just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, "Keep going. You got this!" -TS